I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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