You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
