She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
