On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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