Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
