Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
