My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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