i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
