She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
