So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
