Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
