My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize