My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize