Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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