I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
