On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
