i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
