I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This girl is more easily done than said...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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