Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
