You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
