Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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