Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
