I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
