So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
