looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
