I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize