my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
