I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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