decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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