I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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