tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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