i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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