i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
