Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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