my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
