Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize