that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
