I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
