i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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