shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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