I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize