please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
