Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
