Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
