yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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