He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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