Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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