As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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