hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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