Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
