I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was like eating out sand paper
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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