The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
