Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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