I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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