I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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